Mark, Do Not Ask For Who the Bell Tolls

Oh man, if there's one thing we haven't had enough of lately in the Leafs dressing room it's convicted criminals. I mean, Eddie Belfour waited until he got to Florida before he started showing off his Irish side and Dougie Gilmour's nickname "Killer" was I'm pretty sure just a joke.

Don't worry guys, we got Mark Bell now, just freshly convicted of drunk driving and fleeing the scene. Thankfully Bell's a pro-athlete which qualifies him for the much radder special privileged people's court so he won't have to serve any jail time during the season. Thanks American justice system!

Though from what I've heard about the newest underachiever in Leafland, maybe the best way for him to contribute to this team would be from in a San Jose jail cell.

Jason

Some Guys Use DeLoreans, Others Use Phonebooths. All I Need Is A Newspaper

I found something amazing in my basement the other day. I have in my hands the Toronto Star's Sports section from April 29.

1990.

The front page, yellowed and smelly but still serviceable, had three stories, as well as pictures of a moody looking Al MacInnis sporting ugly World Championships issue Team Canada duds and Billy Ranford taking some serious goaltender interference. The lead story was boxing - Thomas Hearns beating Micheal Olajide if you care, which leads me to surmise that the primitive people of the early nineties still cared about boxing.

Also ran was a story about the Blue Jays, losers of three straight taking their latest from the White Sox 5-4 at Comiskey Park, which is probably the funniest way of spelling US Cellular Field I've ever seen. The Jays went on to record an 86-76 finish which was considered disappointing by the spoiled fans of the early nineties Jays. The Jays starter that night in April was a dude named Mike Flanagan who the Internet tells me only started five games all season and was out the door by the next one. The White Sox debuted rookie Jerry Kutzler who got the win, which must have been the highlight of his career because he only played six more games in the bigs and I can't say I don't feel glad to know that.

The bottom story was about the St. Louis Blues forcing game seven against the Chicago Blackhawks thanks to two goals by Brett Hull. The winner of game seven, Chicago, incidentally, would go on to face the eventual Stanley Cup winners, the Edmonton Oilers in something called the Norris Division finals. Call me a smart-assed ankle biter if you will, but how did the NHL get by with such useless division names? And why was Toronto grouped with the Western teams, while we're at it. Staying topical, the Hawks coach at the time was Calgary's current new flame (oh man, I totally did not intend that pun) Mike Keenan. Daaang has that guy been around. The Hawks were also relying on the unproven goaltending of some kid named Belfour, who lasted all of two and a half minutes before the Keener yanked him.

Delving inside, we find the reason for Al Mac's resigned scowl was because Team Canada had lost to those damned Czechoslovaks 3-2 at the World Hockey Championships in Bern. Canada was coached by Dave King (who is speculated elsewhere to soon make the jump to the NHL, though that would be delayed for two years) and the goaltending tandem of Kirk Mclean and Bob Essensa while the Czechoslovaks went with Dominik Hasek. The article hearkened back to simpler times in the NHL, when there actually was some difference between North America and European hockey, when the Soviets were still scary, when Alan Eagleson was still cool.

Below that is an piece on the outraged Habitants who were of course still in shock that they would not be drinking from the Cup that year. "They've become so accustomed to winning, many consider it some sort of divine right that they keep Lord Stanley's old goblet year after year." I think it's safe to say that after fourteen years without it now, Montreal is probably over it's withdrawal symptoms. But the columnist was no fool. "...Montreal is, as usual, not far removed from the Cup." I don't think I need to remind you who won the cup three years later.

Misc hockey notes: The owners of the Minnesota North Stars are planning on selling their franchise in order to obtain an expansion team in Silicon Valley and the Nordiques are looking to sign their number one overall draft pick, a spunky Swede with generous blond hair, Mats something who is showing "a large amount of talent" while with Djurgarden, recent winners of the Swedish Elite Division, beating out Hakan Loob's Farjestad.

This one has nothing to do with sports, but there is a giant ad for what is described as "The Ultimate Business Weapon". Yes, we're talking cellular phones. The Motorola cellular phone is of course the lightest and smallest model on the market at a slim and svelte 12.3 ounces and 15.8 inches and features a novel way to hang up. Simply flip the mouthpiece shut to end the call! Oh my! Ok, I'll stop.

Page Six features a small blurb about the world snooker championship, which is probably exactly one more small blurb about snooker than the Toronto Star has ran in the last decade.

And finally, file this one under "Some Things Never Change" but the back page featured several goalies complaining about the rampant goaltending interference and abuse they've had to suffer. I'm sure they'd be happy to know that 17 years later, their descendants are keeping the fight alive.

Jason

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry

Baaaaaaaaaaarry. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarry.

Yeah, yeah he hit the freaking home run finally. Honestly back when he was passing Babe Ruth I was pretty he sure he would be dead before he ever got this far, or at least I don't know, hobbling around on artificial hips or something. I didn't think he would do it. So I can find something to appreciate about the feat, even if Barry Bonds is a rather large taint when it comes to being a human being.

I'm also glad he had the decency to hit 756 in San Fransisco because wouldn't you hate to have people booing what should be a happy moment, so that whenever sport shows drag out archive footage of that moment for whatever top ten the interns in the back room pulled out of their asses we won't have boos drowning the whole thing out? Asterix or not, he should be able to enjoy his moment. I just hope he retires after this year, that's really all I ask.

I'm approaching the whole Bonds steroids thing from a kind of zen position, I've made peace with it and moved on. It helps to know that Barry won't be number one in ten years thanks to MLB's other designated asswipe, Alex Rodriguez. Now there's a hate on I can get behind.

Can't you imagine it? If A-Rod is a douche now, when he's in the prime of his career playing for the most prestigious baseball team in the world and putting up numbers like he was Baseballbot 3000, imagine what he'll be like when he's a forty year old DH in Kansas and the only thing he has to play for is a record nobody wants him to break. He'll make Barry look like he was on Zoloft, not testosterone.

I think the era of sport heroes being decent human beings is officially over.

Jason

Let the Kids Play

Good golly but why is it so hard for managers to figure this out? During the winter J.P Ricciardi signed a slew of over the hill veteran journeymen, and the only one who panned out, ok he didn't just pan out, was Matt Stairs and that probably has more to do with being home and not so much due to J.P's uncanny eye for talent. Royce Clayton was finally cut a few days ago, so we can stop pretending any one other than Johnny MacDonald is the number 1 short stop and the three pitchers hired to hold together the rotation didn't last till July.

Instead, the Jays rotation is relying these days on a youthful trifecta of Dustin "Mutton Chops" McGowan, Shaun "Maple Syrup" Marcum, and Jesse "You Can Stop Bringing Up The Batboy Thing Now" Litsch. Why did this take so long to happen?

Why are people in sports always so willing to fall back on guaranteed mediocrity when they have potential gold sitting right in front of them?

Whatever, even with a decent rotation, it's too late for the Jays. How bout next year eh?

Also, happy trails to Jason Phillips, the Jays' on again off again third string catcher for the past few seasons. They let him go so that they could bring up their own prospect Curtis "Playpen" Thigpen and I mean it's not that big a loss for the Jays' batting order but I'm still gonna miss the guy. What can I say? I have a thing for athletes who wear glasses.

Jason

At Least We Got Somebody?

The Maple Leafs were late to the free agent dance again, and while they didn't end up waltzing away with a complete minger, they didn't quite end up with the homecoming queens. Fergie picked up Jason Blake for a lot of money and a long time, and while it's not entirely a bad move - adding a 40 goal scorer is never bad per se - but still, the dude is 33 dudes, and he's only now starting to be a premier goal scorer? I mean, you have to be suspicious of a guy who puts up career numbers in a contract year, especially this late in the game.

On the other hand, I'm also pretty glad that the Leafs didn't break the bank to sign Danny Briere or Chris Drury or Scott Gomez. Anything past 5 years on a contract and you have to wonder how far ahead the people responsible are really thinking.

Philadelphia and the Rangers are now my two least favourite teams in the East, incidentally. Phillie's looting of Nashville to pick up Hartnell and Timonen left a really sour taste in my mouth, and now they have Briere for forever, Smith from Edmonton plus Biron in net and it's almost like last season never even happened. I seriously hope they pull a Boston. And over in New York, they've actually built a team in which Jaromir Jagr is only the third highest paid player, which is such an impossible sentence that it can only come out of Broadway.

And now with the cap hitting fifty million, it looks like it's back to business as usual for the NHL, with the divide between small and large market teams becoming visible once again. Poor Buffalo which lost its two best players, plus Zubrus if that counts for anything; the Islanders who will have no chance of repeating their unlikely run to the playoffs now that half their players have been bought out from under them; and saddest of all Nashville, who saw a championship calibre team cannabalized right before their very eyes in a matter of weeks. I don't think there is anything sadder in pro sports than a great team being dismantled for financial reasons.

Paul Kariya, keeping with the free agent theme, must know something we don't, because he has signed away the last years of his prime to St. Louis, which is not a team that looks like it will be a contender any time soon. You'd think for a guy who still needs a Stanley Cup that he would have chosen any number of contenders that were willing to pay him money, and yet he lumps on with a team that's still rebuilding. Sticking with St. Louis, they did it again. They resigned a player they traded at the deadline last year, this time Keith Tkachuk, previously Doug Weight. This is a way uncool practice that should be stopped.

Back to the Leafs, Fergie is going with essentially the same team as last year, but with Raycroft splitting time with Vesa Toskala, and Jason Blake on Sundin's wing. Steen, Wellwood and Coliacovo are all a year older, and hopefully that much better, Antropov will stay healthy and chip in at least 20 (I'm not even kidding dudes), Ponikarovsky has 30 in him, I know it and Mats Sundin will score a reliable thirty goals, seventy points. With the stars aligned, this team can make the playoffs, can win a round or two as well.

It's not a Stanley Cup team though.

Jason

Fergie Does It Again

Vesa Toskala and Mark Bell are Maple Leafs. Cherepanov or Esposito could have been.

This would seem to be the trade that determines whether Fergie is gainfully employed in Toronto come next draft.

Hockey Scribbles

- Mats Sundin is back for another year. All is right with the world.

- Next year one of Danny Briere, Chris Drury, Scott Gomez, Ryan Smyth or Scott Hartnell will be a Leaf, fer sure.

- Micheal Landsberg asked Fergie if he would consider signing newly freed agent Alexei Yashin. Worryingly, the Leafs' GM did not immediately say "No way in hell".

- Sidney Crosby is only a year older than me. This will never ever cease to amaze me.

- Nashville won't have the Preds much longer. Hamilton might very soon. This worries me, not only because the Leafs would have to play this very talented team at least eight times a year, and really having to play against the Sens that much is bad enough already, but seriously, Hamilton? Canada's half-hearted answer to Pittsburgh? Moving them to wilds of Kitchener is even worse, mainly because the Kitcheloo Blackberries is a name too ridiculous to talk about. Move them to the 905, I could live with that. Call them the Toronto Toros or whatever and give the rich refugees in Toronto's sprawl something to cheer for. Toronto needs another team, is what I'm saying. Sympathies to Nashville fans, who have a legitimately good team on their hands but none of the ties that kept the Penguins grounded in Pittsburgh.

- Mike Keenan is a coach again. What? Insert joke about NHL coaching jobs being like a game of musical chairs but when the music stops, nobody takes away a chair. Or even better, insert joke comparing Keenan to promiscuous girl at college frat party. Everybody gets a turn. More confusing is that it's Calagry that has dipped into the communal coach pool, a team that is good enough that they shouldn't have to make such desperate looking moves.

- Keenan's mustache is also kinda creepy, in a pedophile kinda way.

- Back to the Leafs. Here's the problem. I want the Leafs to make the playoffs because that is something they haven't done in too long now, but on the other hand, the only way Fergie will ever get fired is if the Leafs tank the season. So... make the playoffs and curse ourselves to another five years of ineffective weak-kneed GMing, or take a deep breath and hope for the worst on the ice in order to ensure the best in the boardroom.

Lates peeps,

Jason

Oh Yeah, That Stanley Cup

Call it the Stanley Cup Final that Toronto forgot. Ottawa versus Anaheim will do that.

I'm a little late here, so you know how the story ended, and nobody should be surprised, except for Ottawa fans who were probably already planning ahead to next year when they would finally have a definitive piece of evidence to prove their superiority over the Maple Leafs - it's hard to argue with a Stanley Cup.

I think we should all agree that the better team won here. Anaheim deserved it, and now we really do know that Brian Burke is a hockey God.

Also, don't rag on Ray Emery too much, if anything he proved that he is capable of taking a team to the Stanley Cup finals. Ottawa needs to resign him.

And finally, I have a feeling that Ottawa won't be in the finals again any time soon. They had their shot, the last decade was practically building up to it in fact, and then they blew it and is this team good enough to repeat? And will the upper management be able to resist blowing up this team?

Free agency is less than a month away,

Jason

Endnote - I can't seem to reliably spell Anaheim. Thank goodness for the Google spellchecker

I Love You Dreger

Best free agent signing of last year? Darren Dreger going from Sportsnet to TSN, easily. The 'Net wasted him as a babysitter for Kypreos and Big Bill Watters, but TSN realized his true potential and gave him a megaphone to voice his previously hidden thoughts. Wouldn't you know it, the man knows what he's talking about.

Anyways, that all leads to this. According to the Insider, there is actually a team out there crazy enough to take Bryan McCabe's contract. Crazy hockey team? We're talking about the Islanders, natch, who all of a sudden find themselves with a hella lot more cap space now that Alexei Yashin can call himself a free agent. McCabe was el capitan on Long Island once upon a time, and word is, he might be willing to waive his ironclad no-movement clause to return there (in twenty years, John Ferguson Junior won't just be remembered as the warm body who filled the Leafs' GM spot after Pat Quinn and before the man who finally ended the cup draught, no Fergie will also be remembered as the man who gave hockey the no-movement clause. Let's all say thanks for that guys).

If there is a team silly enough to want McCabe at the almost 6 mil per the Leafs are paying him, it's going to be the Islanders. Buying out Yasher with four years left on his contract might be the sign of a team finally getting its act together, or it might be be a sign of business as usual.

No offense McCabe, but you might not have noticed that there are a ton of young ankle biting blueliners in Leaf jerseys just waiting for a chance to prove themselves, and as long as long as you continue to clog up a roster spot with your sustained mediocrity, it is just that much harder for them.

Go home Bryan.

Jason

Oh wait, while we're on the topic of Fergie and the Islanders, let's mention Sean Hill. It's Fergie's contention that because the NHL let Hill play even though they knew he was juicier than a Florida orange that my Buds missed the playoffs. Don't scapegoat Hill here. If he had maybe scored the game winning goal in their last regular season meeting, well maybe there would be an argument. But as it stands, Hill is a journeyman defenseman who does not tip the balance in anyone's favour. I just wanted to make that clear.

These Sens Are Scary

It was the crazy Leafs fan in me that made me choose Buffalo over Ottawa, not the rational level headed hockey connoisseur I normally am, I swear. Ottawa is obviously the best team left in the playoffs. Obviously. They didn't so much as blink while dusting off New Jersey and Pittsburgh, and it's not like those teams are bunch of stiffs either.

Ottawa is the complete deal right now, and I just hope you, as the reader, can understand how hard it is for me to type those words. In picking Buffalo, it was more because I wanted them to win, than because they deserved to win.

Ottawa has done something special this year. I don't know what it is exactly, but I've always gotten the sense that past Ottawa teams tried to hard. They compiled great regular season numbers, and then when they got to the playoffs, folded quietly. This year, they're regular season was anything but smooth, and I don't know, I guess it made them more... human? That sounds stupid, but what I mean is it's a lot easier to sympathise with them this year than in any other year previous.

Buffalo won last night, which isn't that surprising, I mean, they didn't get to where they are without being a decent team, but Ottawa will take control, like they did in their two previous rounds, and clamp down on the Slugs.

This really hurts to say, but I think Ottawa will win the cup. Even worse, I think I want them to.

Jason

Third Time Lucky

I might as well make my predictions known before its too late, and before I look like to much of a moron for choosing Buffalo. So I have Buffalo over Ottawa, in seven games now I guess, and Anaheim over Detroit, for the record.

Keep your sticks on the ice,

Jason

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

When JP Ricciardi fessed up to lying about the extent of closer B.J Ryan's injury, and that the little elbow tweak would actually require Tommy John surgery, it was kind of hard to imagine that the Jay's season could somehow get worse. The season long loss of B.J was really supposed to be the cap on what had been a disastrous few weeks for the Jays.

Then Roy Halladay went down with appendicitis.

At this point, with the season already gone, all you can really do is laugh. Appendicitis! You can't make this stuff up. If this was a movie, this is the part where you'd say, "Ok, they're really stretching it here." But no, Halladay's appendix really did swell up, and the Jay's have already placed 11 players on the disabled list this season, which matches the total number for all of last year.

Also, any time Ted Rogers feels like firing Ricciardi won't be soon enough for me. I have finally decided that he is a smarmy, self-absorbed blowhole. "It's not a lie if we know the truth"? Don't spit on my deck and call it varnish.

For those scoring at home, that's two Toronto GM's now that need to be axed to one that deserves to be sainted.

Jason

Bad News, In Bunches

So to recap, the Raptors are out of the playoffs, Sam Mitchell might not coach next year, Fergie Jr is still GM in Leafland, the Jays can't even win a game when Doc Halladay starts, Roger Clemens is back in the AL East, Toronto's new soccer team have yet to score a goal after an embarrassing number of games, and Barry Bonds will break the home run record sometime soon.

On the other hand, well the weather is nice.

So Four French-Canadian Referees Walk into a Bar...

There's a crisis in the nation's capital these days, and at the centre of it is Shane Doan.

No, Parliament has not launched a Royal Commission to investigate how an only slightly above average hockey player who consistently puts up less than spectacular numbers is both Phoenix's franchise player, and current captain of Team Canada, but rather, certain politicians have taken issue with a two year old incident in which Doaner was alleged to have aimed an anti-French remark at a French ref, in Montreal no less. Politicians from Quebec, actually. They seem to have a problem with Doan's captaincy, despite that the allegations were never proven, the NHL did not punish him, and to quote Jeremy Roenick, Doan is "the kind of guy who says 'fudge'."

This is a non-issue. Doan's not the kind of guy who would say something like that, and frankly, I think most people had forgotten about the incident, except of course Quebec, where their freaking motto is "Je me souviens".

If you want to get angry about something Parliament, get angry about the fact that the best we could do for a captain was Shane Doan. Now that's a cause I could get behind.

"Mr. Speaker, how can we justify, in this day and age, making a player like Shane Doan, with his history, captain of Team Canada? The international community is watching, Mr Speaker. Do you know how many points he scored last season? It's embarrassing."

Jason

Verdict For April: Meh

The Jays have played one month of ball, and have yet to clearly define themselves. Their record is a hair over .500, and they've proven that they can play with Boston and New York, however, they've also proven that they can just as easily be swept by Baltimore.

Injuries are a problem sure, as losing closer B.J Ryan has meant that every late inning lead is in danger, but for the most part, the substitutes have filled in nicely. Adam Lind could likely stay in left field all season now, regardless of whether Reed Johnson ever comes back; John Macdonald, a guy we've always had a soft spot for and now displaced by the return of Troy Glaus was hitting .500 for a little while there; and Jason Phillips, the back-up catcher with the glasses (I don't know, I can't help but like an athlete who wears specs) filling in for Greg Zaun's broken hand knows when to lay down a clutch hit.

So the replacements have been probably no worse than the regulars would have been, which makes us wonder if we should take 13-12 April as indicative of what we can expect of the long haul. there have been some standouts, though. Roy Halladay has been money in the bank, sits 4-0 and leads the league in innings pitched, Vernon Wells is his usual sublime self, and Aaron Hill is having his breakout season.

This team, as always, comes down to pitching. Josh Towers didn't last the month, and Victor Zambrano will get his next start. Gustavo Chacin is suddenly injured, and Dustin McGowan gets that start. Tomo Ohka threw his best game of the season against Texas the other day, and seems to be improving with every game. These are the pitchers Toronto needs to worry about, at least until Halladay can figure out a way to pitch on a days rest. Wouldn't that be something?

Jason