Calgary, Alta - The Toronto Maple Leafs have officially announced that they will be reprising their role as "the Toronto Maple Leafs" in the upcoming remake of the 1992 sports classic, "Doug Gilmour, Jamie Macoun, Ric Nattress, Kent Manderville and Rick Wamsley for Gary Leeman, Alexander Godynyuk, Jeff Reese, Michel Petit and Craig Berube." The original was a flop on release in Calgary, but found an instant home among critics and audiences alike in Toronto. Studio executives say they are still in talks with the other principle lead from the 1992 flick, the Calgary Flames. The film is being described as a "re-imaging" of the franchise and is tentatively titled "Dion Phaneuf, Fredrik Sjostrom and Keith Aulie for Ian White, Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman and Jamal Mayers." Sources report that discussions have stalled over the treatment of the Calgary Flames' character, "the Calgary Flames". "Even at the time I was thinking, who wrote this crap?" the Flames are quoted as saying. "That character was so completely unbelievable, what kind of hockey team acts like that?"
Monday, February 01, 2010
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Start calling Stajan "The Big Stage" you jerks
Ok so if my reading of the Maple Leafzeitgeist is correct, this might be Matt Stajan's last season in Toronto. This means I need to ramp up my one man crusade to nickname him Matt "Big Stage" Stajan before it's too late.
Stajan is quietly one of my favourite Leafs. It started with his first game, the last game of the 02/03 in which he scored a breakaway goal against Ottawa. This is how legends are born. He never really "broke out" in the traditional sense and he never really lived up to the Art Ross Trophy he won for me in NHL 2005, but he's turned into a solid, if perhaps not Kessel-linemate worthy player for Toronto. He also has a habit of scoring big goals (like my anecdotal evidence is going to convince you, but he did just score the game winning goal against Washington).
Anyway I don't know how this works. Nicknames should grow organically (in exactly the way that Jonas Gustavsson's did not) but this feels fundamentally too important to leave to chance. Consider this: Every hockey player needs a nickname, and if we don't act, if we do not consciously and literally draw a line in the ice now, then we are dooming future hockey generations to a world where no one goes farther than adding "-er" to players' names and calling it a day. Stajer?
Granted Stajan has a nickname, I guess, but "Ragin' Stajan" is a fundamentally lame nickname. There is nothing "Ragin'" about Stajan, which means at best the nick' is working off a lazy rhyme scheme and a weaksauce sense of irony, and as I hope you'll agree, the business of sports nicknames is no place for irony. Imagine if Brian Sutter had been kidding when he called Doug Gilmour "Killer"?
Blogosphere, my request is simple: make "Big Stage" Stajan a thing. Make it my Christmas miracle.
Erratica:
-This guy suggests Matt Stajan's nickname be Rudyard Kipling. I like his style.
-There's this guy who shows up on HNIC and I don't know his name but he's got this Droopy dog thing going on with his sad eyes and unshaven face and he really bums me out. TV shouldn't make me feel this way, CBC, get rid of him.
Posted by Jason at 9:13 p.m. 7 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Things that give me hope:
Given an infinite number of Toronto Maple Leaf teams playing an infinite number of seasons, we should expect an 82 game losing streak eventually. It is exceedingly unlikely however, that that will happen this year. I don't want to commit the gambler's fallacy, but the Leafs must be, in some larger cosmic sense, due. In these happy days of modern athletes the difference between professional sports team A and professional sports team B is one of inches and nuance. That's my attitude now at least: the Leafs are not perhaps, fundamentally, a good team, but they are also, fundamentally, not a terrible team. Even bad teams have nights when the puck bounces their way. Not every team the Leafs face will have Roberto Luongo backstopping them.
Posted by Jason at 11:00 p.m. 3 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
How did you spend your third period?
It's important to say something nice first. Civility and respect never go out of style. The Leafs played a pretty good second period: they were watchable and competitive. Jason Blake scored a nice goal that scored points for technical difficulty and they were within one goal by period's end. Ok! Let's not get carried away with ourselves.
Sean Avery scored to open the third period, and I changed the channel. Oh that Dexter! He's serial killer and a father? How does he manage?
I forgot the most obvious reason I want Toronto to be competitive this year: Boston has our first round pick. There's no incentive to a last place finish. Whether that was by design or not (Brian Burke is inscrutable) is besides the point: the Leafs are swinging from the trapeze bars with no safety net below them.
So, uh, let's go Leafs, I guess.
Posted by Jason at 1:43 a.m. 1 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Toronto's "Goaltending" "Dilemma"
Toronto doesn't have a goaltending problem, it has a "not very good team" problem. After Tuesday's snoozer of a loss ("snoozer" in this case is not a boring sports writing cliche for describing a boring or uneventful game - I fell asleep somewhere in the third period) I hope we can retire this false goalie dilemma. Instead of, "who's going to start in net tonight?" a more interesting question might be, "who's going to score goals tonight?" Besides Matt "Big Stage" Stajan, and the line of Mitchell, Wallin, and Stalberg, the Leafs have nothing going on.
Posted by Jason at 2:12 a.m. 0 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Here's A Bold September Prediction: Leafs Make Playoffs!
September is the best month of the year to be a fan of the Toronto Leafs. Consider this one telling statistic: the Leafs have never lost a regular season game in September.
Posted by Jason at 8:44 p.m. 0 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Congrats NHL!
Congratulations National Hockey League! You remain the proud owner of one (1) insolvent professional ice hockey organization located in beautiful, sunny suburban Glendale, Arizona. I hope you make good use of it! If I were a real estate agent, I might call it a "fixer-upper". The place just needs some "TLC" and a little "elbow grease". Hah hah!
There are going to be a lot of angry Canadians when you finally play your hand and have the Coyotes move to Kansas City, or Des Moines, or Boise or wherever it is the official NHL expansion plan calls for a team to be settled. Just a heads up. We're all adults here! We can read balance sheets. When you finally go back to making decisions based on cold financial logic, I think we can agree that the Phoenix Coyotes are not part of any hockey future. But keep pretending they are. I'm sure it comforts the 500 hockey fans in the great state of Arizona and I'm definitely sure it comforts the people running Glendale, who are going to be left holding one massize boner in the form of the Jobing.com Arena when you do up root and leave.
Posted by Jason at 1:10 a.m. 1 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Friday, May 15, 2009
Have Lid, Will Play
Niclas Havelid will play his hockey in Sweden next season. This is not important. I'm sorry you had to read it.
Posted by Jason at 3:39 p.m. 4 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Gary Bettman is a knob
When the NHL puts out a statement describing Jim Balsillie's latest stab at the windmill as a "sham," we should probably listen. This is a league that sold a franchise to a guy named "Boots." The NHL knows all about sham owners. They know what they are talking about.
Posted by Jason at 11:46 p.m. 1 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A quick chat with Larry T-Bomb
The following conversation took place a few months ago over the phone. I don't know how legal this is. I mean, I don't think Larry knew I was recording him, but in this day and age it's basically an unspoken assumption right?
LT: Jay! Guess who.
JV: Sorry?
LT: "Sorry?" I don't like that word Jay, makes you sound weak.
JV: Oh hey Larry, I was just- it's kinda early Larry.
LT: Early? Do you know how much sudoku I've done this morning? Jay you aren't going to make VP of anything by sleeping in till 6.
JV: I don't work for you Larry.
LT: But you're an honest guy Jay, a really honest guy and I appreciate that. You won't make VP of anything with that kind of honesty but you're good to have around. Anyway, look I want your opinion.
JV: I have lots of opinions. For example, I saw this movie the other day about this chimpanzee who learns to skate and-
LT: Jay, I know you're young. You obviously don't remember Tampa's first season. The league has bylaws against that kind of thing now. Come on, give me something I can use.
JV: Ok well, I was also thinking about how every one loves penguins right?
LT: I don't. They waddle around in their coat tails thinking they're better than me. But my grandkids love them, so I concede your point.
JV: Right. So in between periods you could release a flock of penguins and some frozen fish into the rink. Kids would love it. Oh, you could dress them up in little penguin sized jerseys too and then auction them off for charity.
LT: Auction the penguins? I'd have to check that with Legal.
JV: No, I meant the jerseys. Auction the jerseys.
LT: Don't know if that would work here Jay, but I'll pass the idea onto Mario, see what he can do with it. Speaking of, I have a quick nine with him in ten. I'll let you know what he thinks.
JV: Ok-
*Click*
Posted by Jason at 2:44 p.m. 1 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Monday, February 09, 2009
Dispatches from afar
I met a
Kevin apologises, makes an excuse. He needs to find his tour guide. “But it was good seeing a friendly face.” His eye is twitching. He turns and leaves. “I’m sorry,” I want to shout. There is a reason men search out ruins built on the world’s rooftop. There is a reason men drown themselves in bizarre carnal acts. Who was I to pack his troubles into a novelty tin of peanuts? Nobody who runs that far needs those snakes in his face.
Posted by Jason at 12:41 a.m. 2 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Saturday, December 06, 2008
And they say Russians don't understand democracy!
I deliberated long and hard, but here's my picks for the KHL's all star game. It's Team Russia Vs. Team World, by the way.
Posted by Jason at 1:53 a.m. 0 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Leafs. Sharks. Pre-Game.
GUYS CANADA IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS AND YOU WANT TO WATCH HOCKEY?
Posted by Jason at 10:48 p.m. 0 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Friday, November 28, 2008
Sad-sack Sens survive despite sartorial sins
I don't even have anything to say! The Ottawa Senators have an awful third jersey. It is lazy and boring and unpleasant to look at, but then, I guess it is pretty appropriate for the team that wears it, huh? Hah hah!
YEAH I WENT THERE
Posted by Jason at 12:53 a.m. 0 Toronto fans confessed their faith
Tags Ottawa Senators
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Committed Quebecers collude to cook corporate cook off
Oh dear, another year, another tale of NHL All Star drama. I know! People say the All Star game is boring, and obviously it is, because it is an All Star game and I am not going to sit here and argue first principles with you, but suffice it to say that though the actual game may be unwatchable, the NHL is developing a decent knack for making the runnup at least notable. A couple years ago it was Rory Fitzpatrick buoyed by fans having fun with the NHL's vote now, vote often voting system (still waiting for that recount). The hockeystocracy was aghast of course, that is the twenty or so people left in the NHL who still attached any symbolic value to the honourific of "All Star."
Posted by Jason at 5:56 p.m. 0 Toronto fans confessed their faith