Friday, January 05, 2007

Get A Room You Two, Nobody Wants To See That

Do you remember, when you were younger, and your girlfriend, the one you were with for something just slightly less than forever (yeah, her) broke up with you, and left your heart in two jagged pieces? And the first thing you tried to do was show her that you were so over her, and you did that by parading past her with a bunch of blonde floozies? Remember that?

Well, some people never grow up. Some people like Mario Lemieux. (Ok, for the sake of the preceding analogy, you will have to imagine Kansas City as a blonde floozy. It's a stretch, we know). Shortly after getting the cold shoulder from Pittsburgh, or at least, a not sufficiently warm enough shoulder, Lemieux was seen flirting shamelessly with officials in Kansas City.

Actually, we're going to have to switch metaphors now. Kansas City has it's very own convertible hockey arena, and they've apparently gone and promised Lemieux free use of it (and Kansas City totally shaves, like every day!). That's a tempting offer. But what it really looks like is a shameless attempt at making Pittsburgh jealous. If you ask us, Lemieux doesn't have any intention of moving the Penguins to such a nowhere's burgh like Kansas City. Besides, if the Penguins do move, where exactly is number 66 going to hang from?

But forget about that. Right now we're talking about Mario Lemieux, the cocktease. This team will end up back in Pittsburgh next season, and the season after that, and in their new stadium too boot. Lemieux ought to be ashamed, a grown man like him, leading poor Kansas along like that.

We've stayed out of the whole Pittsburgh relocation discussion because our opinions on the matter didn't seem to mesh with most other Canadians. Back when Jim "Blackberry" Balsillie was leading Pittsburgh along, Canadians were salivating at the thought of another Canadian team. That was obviously Ballsy's intention all along. He payed the proper respects to the fine people of Pittsburgh of course, he's not stupid, but you knew that the moment the casino deal fell through, these Penguins were migrating north.

Here's the thing though. Canada doesn't need another NHL team. And even if we did, where would we stick it? There's no way hockey's going back to Winnipeg or Q-City, wouldn't that just be awkward? Some people were actually suggesting giving one to Kitchener-Waterloo, which, as delirious cloud-gazing goes, was pretty out there. The Kitcheloo Blackberries? Serious?

The NHL is trying to regain credibility in the US, remember? Remember? Forget about Canada, man. Get your head out of the sand. Hockey is rock solid in Canada. We know that. We invented the damn game. But we can't keep the NHL alive by ourself. We kinda really, really, really need American support, or else this whole thing tumbles down. And do you really gain meaningful cred by moving a team to something called Kitcheloo? Or even Hamilton, for that matter.

And that's ignoring the prominent fact that Pittsburgh deserves an NHL team. Two Stanleys, and Mario. And Mario! It was OK when Hartford moved, in their few decades in Connecticut, they did jack all. But Pittsburgh has history.

If you're so desperate to move a team, how bout that one in Phoenix? Do you know they have the gall to actually remind their fan(s?) that they've been there for ten years? They play with patches that say "Decade in the Desert". Umm... when you've only converted one of those seasons into playoff appearances, you'd think that they might want to keep that on the down low.


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