A quick chat with Larry T-Bomb

The following conversation took place a few months ago over the phone. I don't know how legal this is. I mean, I don't think Larry knew I was recording him, but in this day and age it's basically an unspoken assumption right?

LT: Jay! Guess who.
JV: Sorry?
LT: "Sorry?" I don't like that word Jay, makes you sound weak.
JV: Oh hey Larry, I was just- it's kinda early Larry.
LT: Early? Do you know how much sudoku I've done this morning? Jay you aren't going to make VP of anything by sleeping in till 6.
JV: I don't work for you Larry.
LT: But you're an honest guy Jay, a really honest guy and I appreciate that. You won't make VP of anything with that kind of honesty but you're good to have around. Anyway, look I want your opinion.
JV: I have lots of opinions. For example, I saw this movie the other day about this chimpanzee who learns to skate and-
LT: Jay, I know you're young. You obviously don't remember Tampa's first season. The league has bylaws against that kind of thing now. Come on, give me something I can use.
JV: Ok well, I was also thinking about how every one loves penguins right?
LT: I don't. They waddle around in their coat tails thinking they're better than me. But my grandkids love them, so I concede your point.
JV: Right. So in between periods you could release a flock of penguins and some frozen fish into the rink. Kids would love it. Oh, you could dress them up in little penguin sized jerseys too and then auction them off for charity.
LT: Auction the penguins? I'd have to check that with Legal.
JV: No, I meant the jerseys. Auction the jerseys.
LT: Don't know if that would work here Jay, but I'll pass the idea onto Mario, see what he can do with it. Speaking of, I have a quick nine with him in ten. I'll let you know what he thinks.
JV: Ok-

*Click*

Dispatches from afar

Machu Pichu, Peru - 10:36 PM February 6, 2009 

I met a Toronto guy today. Another one. This place is lousy with them. You wont be surprised when I tell you Kevin's another expat Leafs fan. He said he was from Collingwood, I think. A high school history teacher. He's taking his sabbatical, “Nothing keeping me in the city these days, you know?” He’s been knocking off landmarks all over the world. He just spent a week in Rio. Europe before that. Saw some churches. He sold his season tickets to finance everything. Heard that one before too. Those tickets were in the family for years and years, he said. Him and his brother, they split the proceeds, split town, and then split up in Berlin. Kevin lowers his voice, “he was into this weird sex thing.”

I try to change the subject, put the conversation somewhere safer. “You hear Blake is doing good these days?” Kevin’s eyes cloud over, he shows a little discomfort, but then he shakes his head and he’s smiling amicably again. “Sorry?” “Jason Blake? He leads the team in points actually, and yeah I know that’s not saying-” “Oh you’re talking about h-h-” “Hockey, yeah.” He looks like he is sweating, though it is early morning on the summit and the air is cool. He runs a hand through his thinning hair. He stammers, “I haven’t been following the uh, the uh…” “Not too many bars in Lima showing Hockey Night, right?” I laugh.

Kevin apologises, makes an excuse. He needs to find his tour guide. “But it was good seeing a friendly face.” His eye is twitching. He turns and leaves. “I’m sorry,” I want to shout. There is a reason men search out ruins built on the world’s rooftop. There is a reason men drown themselves in bizarre carnal acts. Who was I to pack his troubles into a novelty tin of peanuts? Nobody who runs that far needs those snakes in his face.

And they say Russians don't understand democracy!

I deliberated long and hard, but here's my picks for the KHL's all star game. It's Team Russia Vs. Team World, by the way.

Team Yashin

G - Maxim Sokolov (Metallurg)

D - Alexei Zhitnik (Dinamo) 

D - Darius Kasparaitis (SKA) 

RW - Aleksey Morozov (Ak Bars)

C - Oleg Saprykin (CSKA)

LW - Alexander Radulov (Salavat Yulaev)  

Team Jagr

G - Ray Emery (Atlant)

D - Magnus Johansson (Atlant)

D - Karl Rachunek (Dinamo)

RW - Jan Bulis (Atlant)

C - Branko Radivojević (Spartak)

LW - Nils Ekman (SKA) 

I hope everyone can take a minute out of their busy schedules to reflect for a moment and vote. The website is at http://www.khl.ru/media/votes.php. Maybe you should ask Google to translate it for you first. Or not. It might be more exciting that way. Or maybe you feel the need to write someone in? Wade Dublielewicz would probably appreciate the support.

Leafs. Sharks. Pre-Game.

GUYS CANADA IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS AND YOU WANT TO WATCH HOCKEY? 

Maybe now would be a good time to bone up on the fundamentals of our cherished parliamentary democracy? A little less Lady Byng, and a little more King-Byng, you know? A little less Ken Dryden (397GP/258W/57L/2.24GA) and a little more Ken Dryden (Hon. MP -York Centre 2004-). A little less Justin Pogge, a little more Harper's prorogue is what I'm saying.

Sad-sack Sens survive despite sartorial sins

I don't even have anything to say! The Ottawa Senators have an awful third jersey. It is lazy and boring and unpleasant to look at, but then, I guess it is pretty appropriate for the team that wears it, huh? Hah hah!

YEAH I WENT THERE

Committed Quebecers collude to cook corporate cook off

Oh dear, another year, another tale of NHL All Star drama. I know! People say the All Star game is boring, and obviously it is, because it is an All Star game and I am not going to sit here and argue first principles with you, but suffice it to say that though the actual game may be unwatchable, the NHL is developing a decent knack for making the runnup at least notable. A couple years ago it was Rory Fitzpatrick buoyed by fans having fun with the NHL's vote now, vote often voting system (still waiting for that recount). The hockeystocracy was aghast of course, that is the twenty or so people left in the NHL who still attached any symbolic value to the honourific of "All Star." 

And wouldn't you know it, those gosh darned fans are at it again, messing with the institution we(?) all hold dear. And this time most of them don't even speak English. It's Montreal Canadiens fans stuffing the ballots now, trying to pull off a ballsy All Star starting line sweep, six for six, all Montreal. Zut Alor! It's like, don't fans even care about hockey? Don't they take this stuff seriously? Do they think online balloting is some sort of joke? 

Power to the people, sez I. Haven't you ever popped in an NHL game and squared your colours off against say, an All Star squad, or even Team Canada? (Personally, I haven't but it has more to do with existential issues than anything else. Mats! You can't be in two places at once! etc etc) Haven't you ever shot the breeze, arguing whether your team could actually take on a team of All-Stars? People talk like that, right? Well anyway, Montreal fans have a chance to find that out now, and people want to take that away from them? Every time something interesting threatens to happen in this league, somebody has to suck the air out of the room and kick a few puppies for good measure. It's Montreal's 100th anniversary. The All Star game is unthinkably boring. Why don't you lighten up. So what Tim Thomas starts the second period and not the first. So what Kovalev is a bum. You don't want to see Montreal fans - Montreal fans in Montreal cheering for six Montreal players because it maybe ruins some sort of tradition? Hey, you know where to cast your vote. Write your own voting program and put it to work. This is democracy, deal with it.

Ok! That's another strawman torn to pieces. Carry on. 

Leafs Lob Lollygagging Layabouts To 'Louis for Lee

Lee Stempniak for Carlo Colaiacovo and Alex Steen.

My gut reaction was positive. I don't know much about Stumpy II but I know enough to be glad he's Leaf. A legit First Line player even. 3 goals, 10 assists 14 games. 11 of those points in his last seven games. Stempniak is a good addition.

But, this is Toronto so no deal is ever simple. It's fair to ask why this trade happened at all with the eminent hiring of a certain Brian Burke looming over the city. Why is Cliff Fletcher dealing players now?

It's also sad to see that the two players who are shipping out were, if you'll recall, as recently as October of this year, a big part of the future of this team. Colaiacovo and Steen are both first round Toronto picks. It's disappointing that Colaiacovo will never got the chance at a full season as Leaf. It's disappointing that Alex Steen will never be that franchise stabilising captain in Toronto. Both players are under performing magnificently this season so in that sense Fletch might have pulled off a steal here. Or should we read this as just another repudiation of Toronto's poor drafting abilities? Stemp the Nak was drafted 148th overall in 2003.

I don't know whether this was a good deal or not. It is a symptom of being a Leaf fan, I think. We have not had the benefit of competent leadership for so long that every move now looks like a questionable move. I don't know. Ok. I like the trade. That is my official opinion.

Postscript - Darren Dreger says John Ferguson Jr played a role in drafting the Stemp, which is poetic, I suppose. Also wondering why St. Louis would want to make this trade? Short term this seems a pretty obvious Leaf win and long term is murkier, but Leafs still have good chance at coming out ahead. Anyway why does someone need to win a trade?

Can't we all

just be friends?

Easy Dirty Ugly Dirty Money

I am always always happy when people start talking about a theoretical second Toronto team. As I see it, it makes sense, it makes a lot of sense and the only people in the NHL who disagree with that are the guys in charge of doling out the franchises. The NHL has its own plans for relocation but they don't involve Canada. It's an open secret that the Hockey Establishment wants a team in Kansas City, for all their secret and probably nefarious reasons. If anything has given me joy over the last few months (and it hasn't been the Leafs) it's been watching the NHL stumble around, caught with its pants down over its involvement with William "Boots" del Baggio and the sale of the Nashville Predators.

Have you been following this? I hope so because it is a good story. I hope so because this gets dirty. I hope so because this is the kind of stuff people lose important high up hockey jobs over. Maybe this story is familiar to you. You remember Jim Balsillie and his attempted takeover of said Predators and you remember Gary Bettman's ham fisted refusal of all that good Canadian money. He didn't want Balsillie's money because Ballsy was going to uproot the team and take it to Hamilton, Ontario and Hamilton, Ontario is not a city where any self respecting hockey franchise would find itself out past dark.

So the NHL turns down Balsillie and his guaranteed millions and instead turn to Boots del Baggio because Boots is buddy buddy with the hockeystocracy and Boots understands that the correct place to put an uprooted hockey franchise is not in Canada, where they probably already have enough hockey anyway, but in Kansas City where it is well known that local hockey fans have been in steep withdrawal-like symptoms since 1976, the year the Kansas City Scouts up rooted and headed for the snowier slopes of Colorado. (The Kansas City Scouts would be a pretty good name for a team if it was supposed to be parsed "the Kansas City Scouts," you know?). A hockey team in the KC is in line with NHL thinking and though Boots can't scrounge up quite as much buillion as certain Canadian billionaires, he gets the coveted Nashville stake.

This seems so obvious in retrospect, I'm sure the NHL is now realizing, but selling shares of their business to a man nicknamed "Boots" was a Bad idea (what are boots made for?). There is a new sports arena in Kansas City, built specially to attract any misplaced major league sports teams that might wander by and you maybe already know who owns that new arena. It's owned by Phil Anchutz, who also owns the LA Kings and probably a bazillion other things. So Anschutz owns an empty stadium in Kansas City. This story is great and it keeps getting better. This is the kind of Woodward and Bernstein stuff makes me want to enroll into j-school right now.

You will or will not be surprised to learn that a man named "Boots" did not actually have enough money to buy his own hockey franchise. And by "enough", I should say "any". But gosh darn it this is America pre-credit crisis and there is always someone willing to give an enterprising entrepreneur with a questionable nickname a line of credit. In this case it was our friend Anschutz who stepped up to the plate, along with buddy Craig Leipold, owner of the Minnesota Wild, both of whom have probably played more than a few rounds of golf with Gary Bettman, if you catch my drift. Now we have two NHL owners lending money to a third soon-to-be-owner. And that third owner is one or two bad season in Nashville away from flipping the team into another city, into a building owned by his creditors.

Business as usual until Boots del Baggio's con man act runs dry and he files for bankruptcy and we find out's he's in the hole for almost $60 million dollars. This wouldn't be so bad if Bettman's NHL didn't already have a track record of selling franchises to insolvent fraudsters and if the other guy offering to buy the Predators hadn't been so obviously a better choice.

This is all of course, I hasten to mention, all pure SPECULATION and should be treated as such as it's all before the courts as we speak. Boots is up on fraud charges plus a messy bankruptcy. If you want to read more, keep your eye on your local drugstore's literature section under legal thrillers, if you know what I mean.

It's also interesting to note that because Boots' creditors include two NHL owners in Anschutz and Leipold, those two may now theoretically own part of the Nashville Predators, which would obviously go against NHL bylaws. One more thing to think about.

I hope this gets ugly. This might have heavy fallout on Gary Bettman. This might cost Bettman his job. This might be the best worst mistake the NHL ever made.

Life, Universe + Everything

I guess I was secretly hoping that the Leafs would be that team that goes 10-1 in the preseason and 26-52 during the real one, but at least no one can accuse these guys of having any pretension of greatness. I appreciate honesty, I think, and truth in sports is hard to come by. The Leafs are as honest an organization as you will find these days. It's a nice change, actually. It's like, with no chance at a Cup, everyone can just be real with each other, just be honest, just be like, hey man, I never get a chance to say this but I really appreciate all the little things you do, there's no more pretending and we can sit back and laugh and share a beer and we can make jokes about McCabe that we don't really mean because he had some pretty good years even if it didn't end all that well and god I hope he does well in Florida because he's a bang up guy I don't care what any of you say.

This is going to be a chill season. This is your last summer before college, you know? Take it easy, don't strain yourself. Figure some things out. The Leafs will still be there when you're done.

Conspiracy Theories

Hey this cool: When the Leafs finish 26th or 25th this season, you know, just good enough to be out of of first pick contention, anyway, when they have the 5th pick again guess who is projecting out at 5th? It's Brayden Schenn, lil bro of Luke Schenn, the Leafs first round pick at the last draft. Brayden is a (surprise) physical centre playing for the Wheat Kings.

You know people tell me that there is no plan in Toronto, but then I see this and I just have to laugh at them. No plan? You telling me this stuff happens by coincidence?

We are looking at a new kind of "Winning"

This is going to be a good year, I think, for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Ha ha! Not in terms of wins or losses or whatever arbitrary bullshit you are used to measuring the success of your sports teams; no, this season is going to require a completely new definition of the word "good". But that's ok. If you are anal retentive or whatever I guess you might say that Leafs are in for a "bad" season, but then, what is "bad" if not a completely false idea set up by the "winners" in life to validate their own futile and largely empty accomplishments? Exactly! I'm glad you agree.

So the Leafs are going to "bad" this season, by which I mean to say that they will not win very many games, and there are those out there, still stuck measuring success in completely obsolete terms, "Games Won" and "Goals Allowed" and "Powerplay Goals For," who will see this as a failing. Ok. Not everyone is perfect, say, like me, and I understand that not every Leaf fan has quite caught up to my advanced Nirvana-esque state of Hockey tranquility. That's ok too! Don't worry about it. Leaf fans have never been noted for their intelligence anyway! So it's not personal.

If you want a playoff team to cheer for, might I suggest Montreal? They are a pretty good team, I think, and hardly anyone really cares about that rivalry anymore. I know it won't be easy, because it is easy to get stuck in the past when you are a Leafs fan. After all, some of the best moments in Maple Leaf history could arguably be said to have happened in the past! For example: Stanley Cups.

The Leafs are not going to win the Stanley Cup this year. Some people probably consider the Cup to be a measure of success. Leaf fans! Don't listen to them. It has been forty years since the last Stanley Cup, and we've turned out pretty ok. What is another five or ten extra years of waiting? Will it not taste as sweet? Sweeter even, just ask the Boston Red Sox, those famous losers who could only keep their streak going 86 years, didn't even have the fortitude to push it to a hundred, and people call them "winners". I don't know. I just don't.

Don't get hung up on Mats Sundin. He was part of the problem, remember? He's the one who picked this team up and dragged it kicking to the end of the season and for what? Just heartbreak and trauma and nothing good. We don't need that and we don't need him. If the Leafs are "bad" then there is no risk. Sundin is risk. Let him sign with Montreal or New York or Vancouver and maybe he can be happy and we can be happy and live vicariously through his new team.

The point of this season is to lose. Never forget that. It will be difficult, I understand. You will see this team rally in the third period from two goals down and force overtime and your primitive lizard brain instincts will kick in and you will want to cheer so hard. You will watch them outscore Ottawa by embarrassing margins and you will want to crow and stick it to very jerkass Sens fan you know.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Success will be measured in the Loss column. Readjust your self accordingly, savvy Leaf fan, and maybe we can enjoy this season, together.

I don't want to play anymore

Here's the dilemma the Jays marketing arm must be running into: how do you sell a product that every Jays fans has already seen before? We've seen this season before is the problem. We know how it ends. You don't make headlines by tanking out in August. But look, it is another September, and oh golly the Jays are out of contention, again, but whatever we have next year and good prospects and whatta pitching staff hey guys? Just imagine what the season woulda been like without all those- haha I won't insult you with that word. The Jays are overpaid and boring. They can pitch but they can't hit, and even with a feel good love guru new manager there is no life at this party. And it's worse because we got to see Tampa Bay shoot past us for the first time, like worrying about New York and Boston wasn't bad enough. Ten years ago Tampa Bay was awful and the Jay's were mediocre. Today Tampa Bay is amazing, and Toronto is still just mediocre, the team that gets sympathy votes at the beginning of each season from sportswriters, "well, a darkhorse to watch maybe," yeah watch them spin their wheels for three straight seasons.

Our only consolation is a new GM next year, and won't we be happy to hear him say, "well obviously we need to cut payroll and compete on a budget, just look at what teams like Tampa are able to accomplish with so little," and then we get a re-made farm system (allow three to five years) and before you know it our new GM is wearing expensive sun glasses and being an arrogant dick to fans.

Anyway all this is to say that I am happy to see that the Jays traded David Eckstein today but I am still pretty pissed that he was ever signed in the first place. I don't get to be right very often so let me quote myself, briefly, from what I wrote nine momentous months ago when Mr. Eckstein was signed: "Essentially now the Jays have pitched out 4.5 million dollars for a utility infielder because even if Eckstein starts the season at short you have to imagine that by September that somebody will have become frustrated enough to put MacDonald back where he belongs..." (even when I am right I am wrong; it is of course Marco Scutaro who made Eckstein unnecessary).

This should have been the Jays year to make noise. They had the payroll and the pitchers and apparently a new winning attitude but the warning signs were there in the off season as we watched Ricciardi stumble around signing players ad hoc. He was trying to save his job of course, using his familiar throw spare part players against the wall and hope somebody sticks strategy.

Why do we put up so much mediocrity. The Jays will finish well out of contention this year, the Leafs will be happy if they end up dead last, and the Raptors will squeeze into the playoffs again but only because the NBA's tendency towards bad teams so outweighs Toronto's.

Anyway, all this negativity is no good for anyone so good night.

Sorry Canada, and hockey fans in the United States and Newfoundland

If you have somehow managed to avoid any contact with any of the 500 arms of the Bell Globemedia empire, then you probably don't know that CTV is Canadian hockey's most recent saviour, and shouldn't we be all glad and thankful for them huh? Awfully kind of them to buy the rights to that song, as if there was any other way this sordid loogey on Canadian history was going to end.

So now TSN's Wednesday night hockey (Wednesday!), steeped in tradition and dignity as it already is, will be graced by those familiar strains, guaranteed to add gravitas and history to any broadcast or cellphone that spouts it. And what's really worse is now they own it forever because there is no way CTV will ever do something stupid like argue the details with the people who own The Friggin Hockey Theme because who would ever be that dense? Who would do that? I know, it is insane to think that there could be a broadcasting organization out there that would make a hash of negotiations with a piece of Canadian culture so indelibly tied to hockey and history. Can you even begin to imagine what kind of publicly funded disaster of of a national broadcaster would be capable of such a faux pas?

>:(

Endnotes - Maybe you are a girl or guy who has a deep, but unhealthy obsession with goalie masks? Then you probably already know about this: goaliesarchive.com/masks.html. Pretty rad! Have you ever really looked at Evgeni Nabokov's mask? It is kinda creepy

Things could get HAIRY

I picked Pittsburgh to win the Cup, which has unraveled pretty completely now, though I should have known better; my vote of confidence has been a virtual kiss of death for hockey teams this spring. But maybe a Detroit victory is for the best. Perhaps delaying Sidney Crosby's first Stanley Cup is in all of our better interests. Perhaps we don't need iconic photographs of him, the Stanley Cup, and that unfortunate playoff beard lingering for the rest of his career. Guy looks like he's ready for a prom in Louiseville, all picking up your daughter in his dad's '86 Chevy Silverado, all blue tuxedos and Jim Beam aftershave, Jordan Staal following behind in his horse drawn carriage starchy white shirts and suspenders, wide black hat, the good Amish boy that he is.

Anyway.

They say defense wins championships, but uh, the obvious correlation here is championship calibre beards are what win championships.

Better Burke Days

This is maybe a rethinking of the criticism I leveled at Maple Leaf management in their search for a GM. With every creeping day it seems more and more likely that Toronto's General Manger next year will be be less a strong and experienced man and more a collection of senior hockey people keeping the seat warm. The thought of leaving Cliff Fletcher in as an extended interim man got me riled up, I think justifiably, and I labeled this as just more of the same do-nothingness from the men in charge of this hockey team.

But here's something else: the Leafs much publicized and talked about pursual and subsequent rejection by Anaheim tough guy Brian Burke was the fault of not Burke, who by all reports wanted the Toronto job, but was instead at the insistence of Gary Bettman who has developed a near puritanical distaste for tampering in his league. Burke is under contract for another year, so Anaheim ownership was under no obligation to let him go, but in the interest of healthy working environments, you would think that letting the man who won you Stanley Cup go would be best for all parties. The story goes though, that it was Bettman doing his own special brand of tampering that led Henry Samueli to quash the Leafs' request, in the interest of preserving the sanctity of NHL contracts.

So Gary Bettman vetoes any Burke movement, thereby ensuring that at the end of the next season, Burke is in any city other than Anaheim, and if the Leafs have anything to say about it, that city will be Toronto. They've already started greasing the wheels; that's why Burke's former wingman Dave Nonis is in talks to take a senior management position. Is this, and this is hard to even put into words, but is this MLSE being clever? I'm not used to seeing astute and long range plans being put forth by the hockey side of the operation so it's hard to say, but if hiring Nonis is the Leafs unsubtle up yours to the commish, a sort of above board and quite transparent tampering that is hard for anyone to prove and punish, then I don't know what to say. Screw you Gary Bettman, for one, but that is hardly an original sentiment.

I'd still rather see the Leafs commit to a real GM for next season and avoid a long winter of endless Brian Burke speculation, but if it ended in some sort of confrontation between the Leafs and the Commissioner well, at least that is high entertainment right there.

I've been listening to Bob McGown too much.