Things could get HAIRY

I picked Pittsburgh to win the Cup, which has unraveled pretty completely now, though I should have known better; my vote of confidence has been a virtual kiss of death for hockey teams this spring. But maybe a Detroit victory is for the best. Perhaps delaying Sidney Crosby's first Stanley Cup is in all of our better interests. Perhaps we don't need iconic photographs of him, the Stanley Cup, and that unfortunate playoff beard lingering for the rest of his career. Guy looks like he's ready for a prom in Louiseville, all picking up your daughter in his dad's '86 Chevy Silverado, all blue tuxedos and Jim Beam aftershave, Jordan Staal following behind in his horse drawn carriage starchy white shirts and suspenders, wide black hat, the good Amish boy that he is.

Anyway.

They say defense wins championships, but uh, the obvious correlation here is championship calibre beards are what win championships.

I Like My Trade Deadlines Like I Like My Women, Scantily Clad and Slightly Inebriated. I Mean, Wait...

We missed the Trade Deadline festivities today because we have, you know, a life, and it doesn't look like we missed out on too much. Our breakdown of the bigger ones:

Ryan Smyth to the Islanders. Apparently the Maple Leafs were in on this one too, but it was New York who won out in the end. New York just got a lot better, a lot fast. However, they gave away a boatload of youth to get him. This only becomes a good deal if the Isles win the cup (Hah!) or resign Smyth before he walks back to Edmonton as free agent. Oh, and we're not sure why, but we're getting this weird vibe out of Edmonton that they just might be finished. Call it a hunch.

Yannic Perrault to Toronto. This is a cool move, and it would have been cooler if it hadn't been the Leafs' only move. Perrault is back for his third try with Toronto, and he comes as one of the NHL's underrated players. Mr. Faceoffs won't make or break Toronto's playoff push, but he isn't going to hurt. We are also cool with Brendan Bell leaving. He was the odd man out on Toronto's back line, and it's not as if Toronto is exactly desperate for young d-men. Also happy to see GM John Ferguson show some restraint on Jamal Mayers (Jiri Tlusty and a firster for a guy on pace for twenty points? What?). Question though, where's Gary Roberts?

Todd Bertuzzi to Detroit. Less than a year ago, Bertuzzi was worth just slightly less than Roberto Luongo, now he's good for a conditional draft pick. At least Florida fans won't have a daily reminder of the worst trade in NHL history skating for them anymore. Detroit inherits a no risk player with this deal. If he does well, and the Red Wings go far in the playoffs, they're on the hook for a first rounder, which is fair enough, but if he goes down again (he's not even back yet) they're out a third round pick. No biggie in other words. Good trade by D-town.

Dainus Zubrus in, Martin Biron out of Buffalo. The Zubrus trade is good, the Sabres are just looking for guys who can skate on two legs right now (Not that that stopped them from pasting Toronto 6-1 a few hours ago). Biron to Philly though? And for just a second round draft pick? This deal feels a little too late. The Slugs (we're doing our part too Erin) should have held on to him for the playoffs. Seriously, they didn't get enough in return to justify it. Also, Ty Conklin? Why does this guy get another shot at the Cup finals?

Gary Roberts to Pittsburgh. Great trade, and the only weird thing is that Roberts had to even think about it. A chance to play on the NHL's next dynasty? And he would have taken Toronto or Ottawa? Over Crosby and Malkin? Glad he came to his senses. The Penguins also picked up Georges Laraque, who somehow is earning more than a mil, and has a no-trade clause in his contract. Pittsburgh gets that enforcer everyone's been telling them to get. Now we'll see if a heavy was really the missing piece to their puzzle. Early prediction: It's wasn't.

Bill Guerin to San Jose. A good deal here, and a hell of a lot better than Atlanta's desperation trade for his teammate Kieth Tkachuk. He's no Forsberg, but San Jose gave a pretty clear up yours to Nashville.

Anything Boston did. So Boston has given up, fair enough, but how does trading away Brad Boyes and Paul Mara help? I thought rebuilding revolved around keeping your good young players. Whatever, we won't complain, because with Boyes safe in St. Louis (how about John Davidson, who probably deserves the title of Deadline King) we won't have a constant reminder of the unfortunate Nolan trade. Thanks B's.

In the end, the important thing is that the Leafs didn't do anything stupid this time (Francis, Johansson, Housely, Nolan, Gilmour, etc.). Baby steps, folks, baby steps.

Jason

These Penguins Can Fly

Somebody needs to sit Mark Recchi down and explain to him in big words that it is not his job to score goals. Somebody should take the time to explain to him that he is a washed up bum playing on a rebuilding team. Somebody should also explain to him that he is not being paid to score hat tricks, especially not at this point in his career, and especially not against our Maple Leafs. While that person is at it, they might as well take the time to explain to the Penguins' dressing room that they are a very, very young and inexperienced team and that they have no business scoring eight goals in one game, and certainly not against our Maple Leafs. And because they've already gathered all these guys in one place, they might as well take the opportunity to explain to them that their team isn't supposed to be holding down a playoff spot yet, especially when that spot could go to our Maple Leafs.

The NHL All-Star break is here, and Saturday night provided a case study in two teams that weren't expected to make the playoffs. On the one hand were our Leafs, owners of a whatever .500 record, exactly where they were expected to be. Injuries haven't helped, and Toronto has shown the odd flash of what they might be capable of, but over all it has been a half encompassed by mediocrity.

The Pittsburgh Penguins, in contrast, are flying (that is funny because penguins are flightless birds you see). Their roster has a tantalizing array of young goodies (like a box of chocolate that you've lost the which-is-which guide to. Eww... Coconut Malone) plus some direction pointing veterans. Some said that the Penguins were still a year away from making the playoffs, after all, Ma Fleury had yet to really establish himself, Evgeni Malkin had never played an NHL game, and Jordan Staal was scheduled to spend the season in the OHL. But the NHL's '09 Stanley Cup champs are nothing if not tenacious (though their D is still a little suspect) and they've proved that they have the cojones, if not the facial hair, to compete with anyone in this new NHL.

Our tale of two cities could still end well for both teams. The Leafs have shown that they can play with any team - when they feel like it. Mind you, Toronto is missing two of its top scorers right now, something a week long break will do nothing but help.

Until then,

Jason

(Please note that we went through an entire entry on Pittsburgh without mentioning you know who. So... do we get a prize now?)

Get A Room You Two, Nobody Wants To See That

Do you remember, when you were younger, and your girlfriend, the one you were with for something just slightly less than forever (yeah, her) broke up with you, and left your heart in two jagged pieces? And the first thing you tried to do was show her that you were so over her, and you did that by parading past her with a bunch of blonde floozies? Remember that?

Well, some people never grow up. Some people like Mario Lemieux. (Ok, for the sake of the preceding analogy, you will have to imagine Kansas City as a blonde floozy. It's a stretch, we know). Shortly after getting the cold shoulder from Pittsburgh, or at least, a not sufficiently warm enough shoulder, Lemieux was seen flirting shamelessly with officials in Kansas City.

Actually, we're going to have to switch metaphors now. Kansas City has it's very own convertible hockey arena, and they've apparently gone and promised Lemieux free use of it (and Kansas City totally shaves, like every day!). That's a tempting offer. But what it really looks like is a shameless attempt at making Pittsburgh jealous. If you ask us, Lemieux doesn't have any intention of moving the Penguins to such a nowhere's burgh like Kansas City. Besides, if the Penguins do move, where exactly is number 66 going to hang from?

But forget about that. Right now we're talking about Mario Lemieux, the cocktease. This team will end up back in Pittsburgh next season, and the season after that, and in their new stadium too boot. Lemieux ought to be ashamed, a grown man like him, leading poor Kansas along like that.

We've stayed out of the whole Pittsburgh relocation discussion because our opinions on the matter didn't seem to mesh with most other Canadians. Back when Jim "Blackberry" Balsillie was leading Pittsburgh along, Canadians were salivating at the thought of another Canadian team. That was obviously Ballsy's intention all along. He payed the proper respects to the fine people of Pittsburgh of course, he's not stupid, but you knew that the moment the casino deal fell through, these Penguins were migrating north.

Here's the thing though. Canada doesn't need another NHL team. And even if we did, where would we stick it? There's no way hockey's going back to Winnipeg or Q-City, wouldn't that just be awkward? Some people were actually suggesting giving one to Kitchener-Waterloo, which, as delirious cloud-gazing goes, was pretty out there. The Kitcheloo Blackberries? Serious?

The NHL is trying to regain credibility in the US, remember? Remember? Forget about Canada, man. Get your head out of the sand. Hockey is rock solid in Canada. We know that. We invented the damn game. But we can't keep the NHL alive by ourself. We kinda really, really, really need American support, or else this whole thing tumbles down. And do you really gain meaningful cred by moving a team to something called Kitcheloo? Or even Hamilton, for that matter.

And that's ignoring the prominent fact that Pittsburgh deserves an NHL team. Two Stanleys, and Mario. And Mario! It was OK when Hartford moved, in their few decades in Connecticut, they did jack all. But Pittsburgh has history.

If you're so desperate to move a team, how bout that one in Phoenix? Do you know they have the gall to actually remind their fan(s?) that they've been there for ten years? They play with patches that say "Decade in the Desert". Umm... when you've only converted one of those seasons into playoff appearances, you'd think that they might want to keep that on the down low.

Jason

Sour Grapes, à La Russa

To recap: Kenny Rogers had something on his hand in the first inning of his impressive win against the Cards. And apparently St. Louis manager Tony La Russa has suddenly become professional sport's defender of fair play, integrity and all that is good and holy. Whatever. Rogers cleaned up, and went on to shut them down for another seven innings. Case closed.

And all of a sudden that's old news now (64 Years and Counting: Always Late to the Party), since the Cardinals went out and gave the Tigers their own take on good pitching, a 5-0 shut down by former Jay, Chris Carpenter (we are actually legally required to point out any player that has ever worn a Toronto uniform. Except Vince Carter). The Cardinals are up 2-1 now, in what just might be shaping up as the first actual World Series since a bunch of scruffy Marlins took down the Evil Empire.

However, all of this is in flagrant disregard for our World Series predictions, but we haven't lost faith in the Tigers yet. Tigermentum is still a go.

Detroit wins in six. Simple as that

Jason

(P.S - The Ottawa Senators are officially "Back on Track", handing out back-to-back pummellings to New Jersey and (our beloved) Maple Leafs. Also, we might have to revise our predictions for Pittsburgh - if that trio plus Marc-Andre Fleury (M.A Fleury? Ma Fleury?) is as good as they were last night, this team could be scary)

Get In The Fast Lane Grandma, The Bingo Game Is Ready To Roll

Sidney "Lemieux Who?" Crosby notched his hundredth point last night against the New York Islanders. And his ninety ninth. And his ninety eighth. A three point effort from Crosby makes him the second eighteen year old to hit the century, along with Dale "Remember Me?" Hawerchuck, and the youngest player ever to accomplish the feat.

That Crosby could do that at such a young age is almost scary. What's even scarier than that is that Crosby is almost excatly one year older than me. One year, and this guy is already breaking NHL records. What's the most significant thing I've accomplished in my life? Here I am, worrying about getting into university and who to take to prom, and this guy's already made more money than I'll ever see in my life.

Oh, and the title from today's post? Curtesy of Pittsburgh broadcaster Mike Lange, who probably single handedly makes Penguins games worth watching. Well, him and Crosby. Another favourite of mine, "Let's go hunt a moose on a Harley". Not taking anything away from the Hockey Night In Canada institutions of Bob Cole and Harry Neal, but this guy is a totally different kind of broadcaster.

In other news, the Leafs actually face Pittsburgh today, and while the pressure is off Crosby to get one hundred, the pressure is on Leafs captain Mats Sundin, who needs one goal to hit 30 on the season, which would give him nine straight seasons of thirty or more. Bryan McCabe is also looking for his 20th, but he's been looking for that for the past 16 games or so, so don't hold your breath on that one.

In other, other news, the Jays face the Yankees tonight. Twelve games in, neither team is looking particularly good. And on both counts, it's due to pitching. The Jays have some of the hottest bats in the AL, and the Yankees are the Yankees, but when it comes to pitching, both teams have been tried and found wanting. Roy Halladay and A.J Burnett both lost their last starts, and Mariano Riviera actually blew a save.

The starters for tonight are MLB's reigning octogenarian, Randy Johnson, and the Jays up and coming Gustavo Chacin. That gives us an age difference of what, thirty, forty years on the mound?

In other, non-news, the Raptors lost, again. The Raptors motto for next season: "The Toronto Raptors. Finding new ways to lose since 1995."

Later

Jason

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

The Jays took a tough loss today in Chicago against the White Sox. The game was called in the fifth due to rain with the Pale Hose up 6-4 over Toronto. And because the game had gone the full five, it was considered official. That is of course a bunch of bollocks. The game should never have even made it that far in the first place. It was raining hard enough in the fourth that the game should have been ended then and there. The only reason the Jays had those four runs to speak of is because the Sox pitcher Freddie Garcia was having such a tough time in the rain. It's a tough loss to swallow. Call it sour grapes, call it whatever you want, but that was some unfair stuff going down in U.S Cellular today. Now, I'm not accusing anybody of anything here, but let's not forgot, this is the same team that gave us the Black Sox Scandal. I'm just saying...

And the Leafs were back in mid-season form today, by which I mean they were smacked around 6-0 by Buffalo. It must be hard to concentrate with all those visions of pristine golf courses floating through their heads.

They have one game remaining against the Pittsburgh Crosbys, which if nothing else, should be completely meaningless. Sidney "Calderless" Crosby sits at 97 points on the season, so here's hoping Aubin or Tellqvist or whoever the Leafs shove in net goes easy on the kid. I really hope Crosby hits the century mark. A lot of people have been ragging on him, especially in light of Ovechkin more or less running away with the rookie of the year award, so it would be a great way to cap off what has been really a great year for him.

And in other hockey news, the Vancouver Canucks will miss the playoffs this year. Excuse me a moment, I need to savour that last sentence.

This not only means that the Leafs are not the only Canadian team to miss the big dance (misery, as they say, loves company) but it also gves us a story that could overshadow Toronto's shortcomings. I mean, by all accounts, Vancouver is (was?) a good team, a lock for the playoffs, where as T.O was maybe 50-50 from the start. But Vancouver blew up in a big way, and here's one guy who's not afraid to say he's happy to see it.

I don't like the Canucks. Period. They're stocked with talent (Naslund, Morrison, Sedin 1 and Sedin 2, Carter Jovanovski) but they are oh-so lazy. Sure, you Vancouverites might say, "Oh but Jason, there were the injuries, so many injuries!" to which I say, put down the blunt, and take a good look at your team. The first mistake was letting Brian Burke go to Anahiem. That man is hockey genius. How many GM's could trade Sergei Fedorov, Sandis Ozolnish and Petr Sykora, and still end up with a better team? Secondly, employing Marc Crawford as a coach has seriously angered the karma gods. You can only go so long with that hair before bad things happen. And thirdly, Danny Cloutier?! What were you thinking? It didn't work the first three tries as a starter, and yet you guys went to the well one more time, and look where he is now. He missed the final 60 games of the season. Cloutier is not a top flight goalie, so stop pretending he's something that he is not.

Here's you homework for the offseason Vancouver: Go out and find a real goalie. None of this "Oh look, we got Buffalo's third string goalie! Stanley Cup, here we come" bollocks. I swear, if you guys start Alex Auld or Mikka Noronen next year... You know, I hear Curtis Joseph might be available. And hey Eddie Belfour needs to feed his kids too, you know.

West Coast Dazed,

Jason